Cries filled the room as the little girl tumbles down again;
Her silky brown hair with no signs of a knot bundles up at
the top of her head, as her deep brown eyes bring rain down her naturally pink
cheeks;
She will not let anyone see her face as tear stains mark
their places.
She laid there for what felt like forever in little girl
years
Until her grandmother’s voice called her into attention
The little girl
sprung up and ran into her grandmother’s open arms
Her grandmother embraced her as she cried and did her best
to calm down the little tide
Though nothing like
that worked, this little girl was stubborn and sneaky to a point
She finally pulled
away to see her grandmother’s face
Her eyes filled with
concern as they looked into her little red ones
The little girl eyes
burned from her earlier state but she let not a whimper or a grunt as they
stung away
She closed her eyes for a little bit and opened then to see
the televisions black and white blur
She turned away with no interest in the television, but
found her doll so she rose
She stared at the doll as it looked like her but no tears on
this doll showed
With anger she threw
the doll in hope of its tears escaping
She runs to the doll
and picks it up though not satisfied to see it has yet to erupt
The little girl sat
in her place looking at the doll in pure hate
For it shows no emotion and doesn’t seem to care, unlike
this little girl who can burst into tears at just a very hatful stare.
I thought back to that little girl who threw tantrums and
fits
Since daddy didn’t
come back for months and for years
I stare at the picture of the little girl and her father,
their last one together
Tears threatening to spill, but I keep them in
I set down my picture for it hurts too much to think or even
let it sink
That my daddy never came back.
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Some really nice things here. But I think it's too long and takes too much of a narrative form. This poem's greatests strengths are in the beginning. Things like "forever in little girl years,"no signs of a knot bundles," and "tears stains" great. So don't tell this whole story, just a portion. It will really open up into a flurry of interpretations. Your title, "Daddy" is enough to get someone thinking.
ReplyDeleteHow about this:
"Cries filled the room as the little girl tumbles down again;
Her silky brown hair with no signs of a knot bundles up at the top of her head, as her deep brown eyes bring rain down her naturally pink cheeks;
She will not let anyone see her face as tear stains mark their places.
She laid there for what felt like forever in little girl years."
You can play around with your line breaks from there. From my perspecitive at a reader, it is maintains interest much more.
Thank you(:
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